Growing up I was always the biggest girl in school and also one of the shiest. I always had a good group of friends around me so I was a happy person but I was never one to be interested in boys or relationships etc and instead I focused on my studies and spending time with my friends.
As I got older my friends started settling down into relationships and in some cases started a family and even got married. I was so happy for them but all I could think about was when would it be my turn?
Being a big girl I had confidence as a person but never when it came to the opposite sex. I was 23 when I had my first 'real' relationship which was great and I was the happiest I thought Id ever be, I was more confident, felt like I was worth something and could relate to my friends now when they would talk about relationship issues etc.
Unfortunately that relationship ended after a year or so and I felt lost, I was so used to having someone that loved me in contact with me everyday and missed going on dates etc.
Rather than take a step back to focus on myself as a person, I immediately felt the need to be in a relationship again and to be honest it didn't matter to me who it was with, as long as they wanted me! (sad I know!)
This put me in a vulnerable position but I didn't see it at the time. I met a man like no other. He was everything I was looking for in a man, funny, smart and most of all interested in me!
The 'relationship' lasted just over 3 years and the amount of lies etc that came with it was literally unbelievable but I thought that nobody else would be interested in me so I just put up with it.
As a woman of a certain size, he started to make me feel like nobody would be interested, that I was a laughing stock and he was the only man that would be interested. I believed it all!
Over the three year period there were threats of suicide, fake messages from his 'family' and he even faked having cancer! These were just to name a few!
This man spent the first year we were going out building me up just so he could pull me down, lower than I had ever been before.
For three years I believed all the lies and stood by him, March 3rd 2014 (my birthday) I found out that he had a fiancé and they were due to be married at the end of March that year. I was devastated and couldn't quite believe it!
The wedding went ahead along with the Caribbean honeymoon! Once he returned he wanted to be friends, yes friends!
Over the three years I stopped socialising with friends, stopped going shopping etc I felt so embarrassed about my size and the way I looked and knowing that everything had been a lie made everything worse which then triggered my depression.
I put up with it all just to feel 'normal' and feel loved. This post isn't about blaming anyone or bashing my ex, I simply want to share my story and tell you that NOBODY should be made to feel worthless or ashamed of themselves in order to be in a relationship.
There are some great men out there who will love you for you! (as cliche as that sounds its true!) A relationship is meant to make each other shine and be at their best, not to bring each other down.
I was no angel myself and now that I am in a better place I am thankful of the experience as I know feel like I have grown so much as a person and would much rather work on being a happy, more content person than be in a wrong relationship. If I meet Mr Right on the way then thats a bonus but a man does not validate you as a person.
What happened to my ex? He is happily married and his wife is oblivious to it all and that is the way it will stay. I have been hurt like I never thought possible and would never wish that on anyone. My theory is that leopards don't change their spots and Karma will play its part.
Woman of all shapes and sizes deserve to be happy, don't let anyone tell you anything different! Only you can let someone effect your happiness in life and you are worth so much more!
Its true what they say, right? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and thanks to a few good friends and Little Miss Plus Size I am getting stronger day by day!
Thanks for Reading
Tracy xx
Oh Tracy that was terrible of him!! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that! I'm so happy you are out of that relationship, you deserve so much better! That saying is definitely true! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger :)
ReplyDeleteRenee | Lose The Road
It was a tough time but pleased to be out of that situation! Thank you its taken me a while but I'm getting there!
ReplyDeleteDefiantly! Kelly Clarkson nailed it! Thank you so much for taken the time to comment I really appreciate it & I hope your well! Xx
You are such an inspiration and I love your attitude! My last relationship was similar in that he built me up to bring me to the lowest point I've ever been at in my life. But I've grown from that and, like you, I'm focusing on being happy, and if Mr Right comes along at some point, great! I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I agree that nobody should make you feel bad about yourself. What was it Eleanor Roosevelt said? "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." And yes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger :) Stay strong x
ReplyDelete♥.•*¨ AmandaSays ¨*•.♥
Thank you for being brave enough to write this. You've been through so much and still remain such a nice, kind person. That's real strength. I've had a similar horrible ex. I believed all the cruel things he said. It takes a lot to work through it all and I'm glad you are free now and giving yourself a bit of care and love. Xx
ReplyDeleteThanks. Like you say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. :-) xx
ReplyDeleteOh sweetheart, if it's any consolation you're not the first, nor will you be the last. What is important is that you are free now and doing better. You deserve to feel happy now, I'm glad to hear you are getting stronger xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you! It is sad that it happens too often! It has taken me a while to begin to move on and I just wanted to let people know that if there currently in a similar situation that there is a way forward. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment I really do appreciate it! Xx
ReplyDeleteWow!!! So proud of you sharing this, lovely!!!! X
ReplyDeleteIts only took me a year! Lol I couldn't of got through it without you and Jen! Hopefully now it will all stay in the past! I'll still find something else to cry about! Thanks Vicki! Xx
ReplyDeleteYou.........Little Miss Tracy Hewison are such an inspiration and like a breath of fresh air to us all. I'm sure there are a lot of other vulnerable ladies out there (me included) who can reflect on exactly what you are saying but are probably too shy to admit. All I can say, as I've learnt a lot through experience and mistakes made in the past. I am more content with life now than I've ever been and I am much happier being single than staying in the wrong relationship just to be "accepted as a couple". I am so pleased that you are now heading in the right direction and I am wishing you and your Mam the very best of wishes to success in every thing you do for a better healthy life. You are so lucky to have the love from each other and you are both such a pleasure to know and to have grown up with. I have faith Tracy, the right one will come along when the time is right.......... xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you Kerry! I'm getting there and thought that it was worth sharing incase someone was going through something similar! Thank you so much for taking the time to write such lovely words! I really appreciate it! Xx
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